I recently began teaching myself to sew.
I’m not one for hobbies, normally. I’m far too busy in my day-to-day life, but when they tell me I should do something with my free time, I mean I can’t just ignore them, can I? Hardly.
So I set up myself a little poll on Facebook and I asked Ashley, Chase and his husband, even Travis responded. The result was overwhelmingly: Miriam, you should take up sewing.
So I purchased a sewing machine–not top of the line–but good enough for my purposes. They told me I should sew and this was the first step.
The first thing they told me to sew was an innocuous, unassuming pillow. So I did that. I sewed a pillow. Big whoop right?
I was following a YouTube channel to learn new projects. The first thing TaraSewsTV showed me was stupid pillows, but you have to start somewhere, so that’s what I did. I went to Michaels and got the fabric and sewed a goddamn pillow. I did seven of them. It was dumb. Far too easy. I took to sewing like it was second nature. Like it was my calling.
I sewed slip-covers for my furniture next. Still boring. Threading the bobbins and matching the colors and making sure I liked the end result. This was all child’s play, when it came down to it. The materials were too conventional and the end product blase.
They were telling me to sew something bigger. Something better. Something more important.
All the little projects that TaraSewsTV on YouTube showed me were a virtual waste of my time. Let’s face it: I already knew all the little tricks. I knew that I had to oil my bobbin casings, I had to thread my needles and make cording to hide seams. Tara and her stupid channel had nothing left to teach me. Her way of thinking was too ‘inside-the-box.’ Too conventional.
I needed a project that was incredible. Something that had never been done before.
So, they told me to start collecting roadkill and I started making little fur coats for all my little grand baby, Shawna’s dolls. Every doll in Shawna’s doll house had a coat or little dress made from squirrel or raccoon…they were so cute, those teeny-tiny clothes.
‘Think bigger’ they told me. ‘You’re still too in the box.’
The next project needed to be spectacular, so when the voices told me to go to the cemetery and dig up a few bodies for materials that’s what I did.
I think the voices are demons. They must be.
If you don’t listen to the demons in your head, they’ll punish you until you’re dead.
So I began practicing my punishment stitches. These sorts of stitches need to be done by hand and I didn’t have much practice doing them. I sewed up mouths and orifices. I sewed eyes closed. Just little practice projects.
Now, that girl I mentioned before from my Facebook poll, Ashley, she’s a little slut so I started with her. Sewed her legs right together. I wasn’t gonna do her mouth too, but she woke up pretty quick and would not stop screaming.
Chase and his husband are homosexuals. Even my demons agreed: that’s an affront to God. so I sewed their mouths and buttholes shut. Do you think they’re gonna do that sin again? Let them try. They’ll at least think about what it is they’re doing.
Then the demons said to me:
“Miriam. It’s time. You’re ready.”
So next I’ll be headed to my ex-husband Travis’s apartment. Now, Travis had cheated on me with some girl half my age. We had taken an oath: ‘till death do us part.’ I wanted to work on it. He wanted a divorce. That’s breaking his oath. What kind of man commits a sin of adultery at 67 years old? Leaves his loving wife? Well tonight’s the last time we’ll be apart because I’ll be fixing this marriage.
I’m going to be sewing us together.
I can hear them laughing now and wishing me luck.
The demons are right. He belongs to me.
‘Till death do us part, indeed.