Everyone told me: Don’t meet dates online. I’d probably fucked every eligible man on this coast before finally settling down. Before I met my man, sex was boring as shit. I’m faithfully devoted now. We don’t keep secrets. My husband knows my past–so ‘come for me,’ haters!

We’re celebrating our two year anniversary today! In tribute to our unending love, here is our story:

I tried every app and every dating site. Match.com. Tinder. Scruff. Grindr…

My friend Richie, my biggest critic, frequently accused me of “fucking every guy with WiFi and a heartbeat.” While he wasn’t wrong, your friends are quickest to judge your online goings-on.

If you’re American, you might think I’m gloating. Sorry: The personals section where we met was pulled down. Now if you wind up ‘forever alone,’ thank your congressman.

I’m kidding. Someone will find you attractive. Probably.

He’s incredible, supportive–everything he said he was–which I really didn’t expect to continue after our initial encounter. You don’t meet many genuine charmers looking for ‘a stable relationship’ who actually mean that. Low and behold, he cooks and cleans me, rubs my back, and scratches itches I can’t seem to scratch.

Believe it or not, our little family began when, by chance, I found his ad in a rather hopeless place: Craigslist Personals; the internet’s seediest den of immorality. If you want worse, you’ll need to download a Tor browser.

I mentioned the sex I’d had (prior to falling madly in love) was unexciting. At the time Craigslist was where you’d find all the fun weirdos: Foot fetish, S&M, BDSM, piss-play, furries, glory-holers, even an adult baby–(he wanted you to come through and spank him)–Ha!–A regular circus of freaks. I don’t judge people. When I said ALL THE FUN WEIRDOS that’s what I meant. Being open to new experiences is crucial.

When I found his ad, my curiosity piqued; before I knew, I was emailing this handsome stranger to learn more. That email changed my life.

We didn’t go to bed on the first date, second, or third–opting to work up to it. When we were sure we were comfortable, we planned a night to remember: A fairytale. Beginning, with dinner in a lavish, waterfront, restaurant…We engorged on a smorgasbord and two bottles of Duckhorn, Bordeaux. Followed by the moon-bathed coast, entwined on a starlit stroll. Hesitantly he whispered three words. We kissed. Passion burst from my chest, venturing to a more appropriate venue to undress.

A sterile room, stainless steel–exactly as promised–not the dungeonous torture room I’d imagined prior to his reply to my email. Injecting a strong general anesthetic into my hand, he meticulously sliced it off as we made love for the first time. Every move, sensual–pain, minimal. Waist: determinedly plunging. Hands: with deft and gentle precision, nimbly struck confident incisions. A talented surgeon? Nay! This was an artist. I, the willing canvas resulting in the most harmonious homoerotic amputation in humanity’s history.

Have you seen a limb immediately following disarticulation? My glorious stump looked just like a hock of ham, densly slathered with strawberry jam until the cauterization began. Embarassingly, I’ll admit, in reliving this memory, I’m craving a Bacon&PB&J.

The following evening, his expansive house permeated with the smells of fingertips, exotically spiced and seared to perfection. Together we indulged in a meal to top the night before, or any since. I was met with a bit of difficulty, forgetting to mention in our previous night’s passions my left-handedness–but I made due with my right.

Wonder what the meat is like? Chicken.
Duh.

Flash forward to today: he has not once complained about waiting on me hand and foot–(I’m of course completely limbless now.)–we’re even adopting this month.

Technology’s amazing; you say it–the computer writes it. Really can’t get over how this has improved over the years.

Whoever thought I’d meet the love of my life eating people online?—No! Goddammit, I said ‘meeting!’ Whatever. That’s kind of funny. I’ll leave it.

SEEKING VORAREPHILE

Posted: 2yrs ago

Me: Disease/drug free, dominant male, hung, stable job (medical-field), seeking like-minded fetishist for long-term relationship.

You: Disease/drug free (required!). Desires to be waited on/cared for by me. Desires to press past boundaries of conventional taboos. Desires to be consumed.

You are reading correctly. I am not seeking someone for a role-play scenario. We’d date first; to be sure the relationship works. This would be a life-long commitment for us both. I am looking for another consenting adult who is open minded; interested in helping me explore my cannibalism fantasy. This will be done in a candle-lit, sterile environment. Your safety and well being is 100% assured.

Serious inquiries only.
• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

-ss