I Wonder What Nathan is Doing Right Now…

I wonder what Nathan is doing right now.

Nathan Wallows is my favorite singer. His voice is like a tormented angel pulled down to suffer in a tar pit. Haunted. He was fated to be trapped forever in my sticky black heart. Each song he sang resonated chords within me. It would be hard to convince me that each song he wrote and sang wasn’t written just so I could understand him better. That’s how much his body of work spoke to me.

I wonder what Nathan is doing right now.

I’ve been following him for years. Some people are fans, but I’m a “superfan.” Every album that Snow Cats put out, I have it. Every book Nathan has written, I have two copies. Every Exclusive Release concert DVD is burned into memory. I’ve seen them live eleven times.

Not just Snow Cats either–Nathan is the front man for several bands and I have the backlog of everything: his synth band Ever Lonely, the electronic LPs of Anointed, even his hardcore and horror-punk bands Social Deathplay and Purevil, respectively. I have it all and now I have him and he has me.

I wonder what Nathan is doing right now.

I found out that Nathan was vegan so I stopped eating chicken. I couldn’t fully commit to the rest of the lifestyle, because that was hard, but chickens live in their own filth. It’s no secret that they’re kept confined in cages with their beaks removed so they can’t peck each other. They’re also pretty disgusting so giving that up was pretty easy.

I found out that Nathan was straight-edge so I started doing about half of the drugs I was doing before. It was a step in the right direction. Just pot now and a little bit of amphetamine here and there. It’s hard to give this stuff up, but if it meant he might love me, I could try.

I found out where Nathan lived. I was hesitant at first, but eventually the lust to know him completely won out. He had already known me for years. He sang so many things about me.

There was a light glowing within, emanating from the window. A fire inside smoldered nearly down to the coals. It’s hard to explain, but I knew Nathan was my soul mate. I had to know what he was doing. That’s why I crept as close to the house as I did…why I gazed at him through the windows as he read. He was draped in a soft robe as white as Himalayan snowdrifts. This is his habit most nights that he is home. I watched him for days.

He loved me. He just didn’t realize it yet. I was meant for him.

A lot of his music is chilling. Dark poetry woven from a deeply troubled fabric…but I know he has a softer side. The gruff, evil exterior is a facade for the press. It’s to drive sales. He’s not really a nihilist.

I wonder what Nathan is doing right now.

He became aware of me because of the dove. A man I know raises them. When one of them died (of natural causes of course…Nathan donates to PETA) I had it stuffed. I left it on his doorstep. A white offering of my love.

I hope Nathan is okay. I hope he is getting enough to eat. He looked so frail the last time I saw him.

The basement is nice. There’s a phone for browsing the internet, but outbound calls are disabled.

He’s a nice guy really…

That’s why he didn’t kill me when he looked up from his book one of those window-gazing nights. He saw me peering in at him. The fire burned down to coals and as it smoldered, the room grew progressively darker. It was then he must have seen the light of my love as it penetrated from inside–through my eyes.

He’s stronger than he looks.

His basement is nice and the chains aren’t too heavy. I just hope he comes back to feed me soon. The bowls have been empty for about two days now.

He said nobody would be able to hear me scream, but why would I scream? We’re in love. I would never scream.

He said he had to leave for a tour and that he’d take care of me when he got back.

I said: “I will wait for you, endlessly” quoting one of his haunting songs.

He spat in my face and gave me a disapproving look before he stormed out.

I wonder what Nathan is doing right now…the question is playing havoc on my mind.

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