So, I’m really happy you’re here. It’s been a while since I’ve had a real “first date.” Has anyone ever told you that you have the most incredible eyes?

Aww is that a blush? You know, some people say I talk a lot. It’s more of a nervous thing. I talk a lot when I get nervous. You seem like the strong silent type. That’s really great. I really like that. It was always hard for me growing up. I was the FAT kid on the bus. They threw paper at me a lot. Called me “GAY” a lot. Back then I still insisted that I wasn’t. But that was yearsssss ago. It’s not like I’m still carrying around that baggage.

When I told them I wasn’t gay, It wasn’t a lie really. I mean, sure it was. I just didn’t know it was. I spent a lot of time in denial, you know? Everyone could tell…everyone but me. I couldn’t tell. I believed it when I said it.

As I got older and came to terms with it, it was hard sure. But you get it, I don’t have to tell you about that. Do you want to know a secret? What I think is, everyone’s coming out story, well, they’re kind of dumb. Same story; different person. Nobody wants to hear them unless you’re sleeping with them or you might want to date them or something. So I mean, that’s why I’m telling you. You seem like a good listener, Eric. Has anybody ever told you that?

So there I was, out of denial, out of the closet and trying to figure out how I could be the person who I was on the inside—but on the outside—so people could see it. I wanted to be liked—to be loved. I wanted to be hot…but, you know I was still fat.

Not like regular people fat, but like, gay fat, you know? You’re gay, you get it. Actually you probably don’t. You’ve probably been one giant ab your whole adult life. No bother. Straight people don’t get it either. Everybody is SOOOO fucking skinny. Basically if you’re 10 pounds overweight, nobody will touch you. So because I was lugging around an extra 30 or so, nobody would touch me if I gave them someone else’s hands to do it.

Anyway, you’re gay too so you know that trying to date-—it’s really hard—-you know that. Sorry, talking about this just makes me kind of emotional. You know? People are disgusting. You read all of the profiles. You see it.

Hung only, no fats, no fems…masc for masc. What the fuck is that? A sandwich order? No mayo, no pickles, no onions, extra salami…Don’t forget to slice it in half! What does that make me? A liverwurst and spam burger on rye bun? Rye is so gross.

Basically nobody wanted me. It wasn’t that people didn’t see who I was inside. It was worse than being invisible. Everyone saw me. I was the life of the party. Called attention to myself, you see. I try not to do that so much anymore. I made friends easily enough, because, well I don’t want to sound conceited or anything, but, I mean, I’m really funny. Practically a comedian, really. I don’t know. I had friends. Just because you can make guys laugh doesn’t mean they want to get into bed with you.

God I sound like such a tool.

Well, I was struggling. You know what I mean? More than anything, I wanted to be fuckable—-but I also wanted to eat pizza, drink mountain dew and play x-box—-not live in the gym. You can’t do both you know? There isn’t enough time in the day.

So far, you’re probably wondering, Shawn, what’s the fucking point? I’m sorry, I’m getting to it I knew if I was ever going to be loved, I was going to have to take some drastic measures. I really needed to lose some weight. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but if nobody finds you attractive, well, I mean you feel kinda lonely.

I’m a great person, you know? I have a good job. I have a car. I have my own place. I’m not one of these messy 27 year olds who are bringing absolutely nothing to the table. I’m funny, I have income, I have good hygiene. The two things I have against me are the micropenis and my weight—and realistically, most decent people will look past a little dick so long as you’re not fat.

I know you’re probably thinking this is all so self-absorbed and self-centered…and you’re right. It totally is. But what you need to understand is that I’m not making all of these rules. It’s society. I’m just trying to survive it. If you can’t beat them, join them, you know?

So I knew I needed to lose weight, and I needed to do it like, as fast as possible, because I have needs you know? I’m, like, kinda horny. Oh man, admitting that really made me blush. I don’t really talk about my sex life a whole lot.

NOT BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT! I mean, I’ve done stuff. I’m not a virgin or nothing. I just don’t talk about it a whole lot because that’s so fucking gross. I always think, have some fucking modesty you pigs!

Ha. Pigs. That made me laugh. Do you know pigs are really smart but also that they’re fucking assholes? Sorry I’m off topic. I do that a lot.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is I just have decency, you know? I don’t ask for dick pics I don’t ask you like, how big it is or nothing…and I would never ask if you’re a top or bottom right away after meeting you. Some of these guys are so nasty. They ask you that kind of stuff before they even ask you what your name is. I’m a decent fuckin’ person you know? Even thinking about this makes my head ache. That’s why I tried meth first. Talk about nerve wrecking. Have you ever tried to buy that shit? I mean, first you have to know somebody. The only person who I even had the slightest inkling would have some was this really crass drag queen. Talks about sex and penises all the time on stage. Can you imagine? Disgusting. She worked in this warehouse-converted-club in this horrific industrial area you know the one? You can get anything there. Not just meth and heroin, but herpes and HIV and probably Ebola. I try to avoid that one. It smells faintly like bleach—but not because anyone has been cleaning anything. The place is DISGUSTING. Anyway, this isn’t a step-by-step guide for buying drugs. Drugs didn’t work. And really, I don’t think you should do them. Basically that wasn’t for me. It is really stupid and embarrassing to talk about I guess, so, just, don’t ask.

Fine, I took apart the TV because the shit made me lose my fucking mind! All the sudden I think I can fiddle with it and set it up to pick up the stations BEHIND the stations. Why am I telling you this? It was three days of drug addled nonsense. It was stupid. I was stupid. If you know, then you know. If you don’t then you don’t. If you really, really know—well, I don’t judge anybody, but…I mean—it’s gross…so gross. Decent people would rather sleep with a fat fuck than a toothless one—and like I said, I’m a decent person. Have you ever done drugs Eric? No you don’t really look like the type.

So anyways that wasn’t for me. Not my weight loss solution.

I tried a whole bunch of other things, diet pills, actual dieting, intermittent fasting; all the stupid fads. Nothing was working and I was furious. I needed something with some extra punch. That’s why I tried doing the meth in the first place. But like, I said, that was a bad time. Decent people don’t do meth and I mean, I’m not going to keep harping on it but I’m a fucking catch. I’m a decent person. So, I thought, oh man I probably shouldn’t tell you about this. You’re gonna think I’m so weird…

Okay, I thought, what about a tapeworm?

Basically, I shouldn’t be allowed to have internet access for my own good. I opened Google and typed “where do tapeworms come from?” Just saying that sounds like some kind of weird kid’s extra fucked up birds-and-the-bees question. Could you imagine your son or daughter asking you something like that? Would you tell them that they come from a stork?

Do you like kids Eric? Do you think you’d want to have kids with me someday?

Basically I learned that tapeworms live in the intestines of some animals. The animals get them like from being wild or when grazing in pastures or drinking contaminated water. So I WebMD the symptoms…just to make sure before I do all of this legwork, you know? Weight loss, check, and loss of appetite, check. Great that’s easy enough, is what you’re probably thinking. And that’s dumb because, you’re wrong. It’s really not that easy. After I dug in and really got a little more into it, I found out that they’re really uncommon in the US because of the bullshit FDA. Basically, it’s not impossible, but you’d have to find a farmer who’s breaking a lot of rules. These guys at the FDA are up their asses so much if they don’t, well the farms lose their business. So I was like, fuckkkk we’re at an impasse right? What do I do? So, like, I still really wanted to give this thing a shot which is why I decided to go with the wild animals for my first go at this whole tapeworm thing.

My neighborhood has a lot of raccoons.

Well, HAD. It’s ridiculous. Or I guess, IT WAS.

Did you know you can eat a whole raccoon raw in one sitting? You have to eat it raw of course…don’t want to kill the worms. Remember I said I’d tried a few diets? Well this was when I tried that intermittent fasting. I had a raccoon every other day for about a month—give or take. I’m not really sure. I ran out.

Listen, the first one was kinda gross. But after that you kind of like it. I’m not from the country okay? I didn’t know Raccoons were such MEAN sons-a-bitches. I only found out afterwards about the other things—diseases, parasites—that sort of thing they could be carrying. Who knew? I’m from the suburbs. Duh. What do I know about wild animals? All I’m saying is they tasted fine. I’m fine. I didn’t die. They didn’t make me sick and I certainly didn’t catch anything…but I still think we should use condoms. Yea. The safest way. My god I have the worst headache. What were we even talking about?

Oh yes, so, after the raccoons were gone I started sneaking onto small farms at night and leading a pig or two away. No big deal. Nobody noticed a pig was missing from any of these places and I mean I would know. I’ve been following the news pretty closely.

What I’m trying to say is if you think this might be the route for you, well sadly, you’re wrong. Even the worst farmer takes pretty good care of their livestock. It’s kind of the literal version of bringing home the bacon. And like I said, if they didn’t then they would be out of business. Still I just figured it was worth a shot.

Pigs are the worst raw. Oh my god—plus you like literally have to figure out how to sneak it up to your apartment. They don’t manage stairs well and Christ they’re heavy. Plus there’s so much blood when you slit their thoughts and it never stops. I’m telling you. They live for so long and when you’re done it’s like someone sprayed a fuckin’ blood sprinkler all around your living room. They say pigs are smart, but they’re literally the rudest fucking animals. They just squeal and fuckin flip out and try to run from you the whole time. I mean, just die already you fuckin’ asshole. I gave you an Ambien. Why are you even fucking awake right now, Wilbur?

Get it? Wilbur? Like from the kid’s book, with the spider?-—I told you I was funny.

Is stealing livestock dangerous? Sure. You could get shot. Well I wasn’t going to, but that’s beside the point. Is it easy? Fuck no. People pay too much attention so you have to make a really big distraction or come up with, like a really, really good plan. You’re not going to get a do-over, you know? If your first “do” gets fucked up, you’re the one that’s over. They’re farmers. They have guns. Lots of them. Did I do it a whole lot? No. That’s because it’s fucking dangerous…but when I did it, I had a really, really good plan and made a really big distraction. Besides, I only did it maybe like 5 times. Calm down, ‘Dad’… it didn’t work anyway.

I figured if I broke into anymore farmhouses slicing up any more farmers, they’d probably start noticing a pattern. Even if you are doing it all over the state you can’t like, leave a pattern. Only a fuckin’ moron would do that. I listen to true crime podcasts. I watch forensic files. I’m not stupid. What kinds of podcasts do you listen to Eric?

Anyway, I am spunky, you know? I have follow-through. That’s why I kept trying after I didn’t get any worms from the raccoons or the first pig. It took almost a week to eat that pig and there was still so much left—not like the raccoons at all, but I mean, the more I thought about it, I probably shouldn’t have kept it around for that long. I got soooo sick and the smell was awful…I chalked that one up to failure but not entirely. I had so much diarrhea and I was basically throwing up non-stop. I think I lost about 3 pounds. But you know, when you’re trying to get rid of 50, who gives a fuck about 3 pounds? Am I right? Did you know you could literally have anywhere from 5 to 15 pounds of shit in your intestines at any given time? That is bonkers, right?

I decided, with the pigs, if I didn’t get it after the first two days hitting it hard, I guess, well man, I probably am not going to get it from that one. Better try another.

I know what you’re thinking. Like, this whole time, how could I tell that there wasn’t one already growing inside of me? Well I mean, I probably had to wait a little bit, but basically if you get worms, you’ll know. It’s easy to tell. You just have to check your stool. I recommend one of those big orange buckets you get from the hardware store. Mine is over there in the corner, I think I paid five bucks for it. You do your business and then afterwards you just kinda, dig in, I guess.

I’m not going to talk to you about this because I’m just not like that. Boy next door type. That’s what I put in my profile. That’s what you came for. Boys next door don’t elaborate on crude things like bowel movements. Use your imagination. If you have ‘em you’ll see ‘em.

If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again right? The way I figured it, after the raccoons and that first pig, if I hooked up with anyone online or at a bar, I was already going to have to demand that we go to their place, which is like a huge pain in the ass because now I’m starting this whole thing sounding like a liar. You can’t just meet some guy, tell them about all the stuff you’ve got going for you, and then INSIST that you have to go back to their place. They think you’re full of shit. They don’t believe you. They make excuses. Everybody has “roommates” that “have to be up early.” It’s bullshit. You can’t pick people up like that. It doesn’t work. Believe me. You have to have your own place. But that doesn’t matter because you’re still fat. You know?

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yea! I’ve tried everything. Club soda, peroxide, dish soap, even bleach. You are not getting the blood out this fucking couch. Can you think of anything? I liked that couch I’d rather clean it than throw it out. It’s a perfectly good couch. Besides, I have no idea how I’m going to get the fucking thing out of here without anyone seeing me. I mean, I guess I could get rid of it at night—and if anyone sees me—well, you know. What’s another body?

Basically, I was like fuck it, you know? It’s already fucked. I’m gonna try this a few more times. I only did it the five times. My security deposit is as good as history, as you can see, because my living room is fucked!

Suffice it to say I started saving all of my bowel movements in those mason jars on the bookshelf because the bucket was getting out of control and still after a month of doing this raw pig thing a few times, there still weren’t any active worms. I’m not going to get too into that because like I said it’s indecent. I don’t want to like, gross you out.

So basically that’s out. Luckily the cops still don’t have a fix on me because all of those farms, well they were all over the state and I really tried to do this whole “method” thing that I learned in performing arts school, so like, each one looked like it was done by a different person. No two crime scenes alike, you know. I won’t bore you with the details because, like I said, I’m not an idiot and so far they’re not sure which ones were me.

Oh! I forgot to mention, I think there’s like, a real live active serial killer because someone else killed three of those farmers! I’m basically off the hook because there’s at least eight of these things now and I only remember doing the five.

So after that, I’m still not seeing the worms. I really like, feel like you should probably see them, I mean, I have been losing weight, but it’s only 42 pounds, and like who gives a fuck about 42 pounds am I right? So you know I’ve probably got a worm by now…but I just want to know that it’s in there and really, really going to town and that it’s working. I think it’s working. So, the raccoons were a no-go and the domesticated livestock was a no-go so then I did some more research…

Did you know that you can get a tapeworm from eating raw fish? Who knew? I mean, shit if I knew that I would have started right there and been done with it. I freaking LOVE sushi…the only problem is that I am not getting anywhere near the water now because I don’t think I can remember how to swim. Maybe I can and I just don’t want to? I mean I was going to try it I really was, but I went downstairs and drove across town to the lake and I ended up getting the worst headache of my life as soon as I parked there so I was like, you know, maybe this isn’t for me? I just really don’t want to try that one for some reason.

At this point I really was like, you know what, fuck it. I’m not going to get a goddamn tapeworm after all I guess, so I really got to thinking and so like, I was thinking what are some other ways to lose weight? I’m almost positive this one will work—-I Googled again and guess what came up! Liposuction! I can get surgery!

Except I can’t because it’s elective and my insurance won’t cover it and I can’t fucking afford it!

So then I’m like, why do I even need a doctor?

But I’m scared you know? I just want to be fucking skinny. I just want the scale to stop telling me lies! I bet I could get rid of 15 pounds in 10 minutes.

You have the prettiest eyes. Did I tell you that already?

You know…You are not like your profile at all. That makes me kind of angry, Eric. You shouldn’t lie on those things. What kind of “regular nice guy, looking for dates, not sex” goes over to a stranger’s house after midnight on a Tuesday? Don’t you have a job to go to in the morning? That whole bank teller thing was probably a lie too. You fucking pigs are all alike!

Everything is a fucking lie. I just want to meet someone who can see me on the inside. I’m sensitive. I have so much to bring to the goddamn table.

Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been talking about? Don’t worry Eric, the knife isn’t for you, you fucking idiot. You didn’t listen to a word! This is just so frustrating. I just want to be loved. You don’t get it. None of you have gotten it.

You know I really don’t like knives, or even this whole idea, because ‘yeowch.’ You know? But I mean, this has to work right? I mean if I want to lose weight I can literally just slice it out right? That’ll work. Like a doctor. Like surgery. Yea.

I really wish you hadn’t started screaming when you came in. I told you that we should have gone to your place. It’s just pigs blood, Eric, why are you such a baby? I could have really used your support right now, you know that? But I can’t take the gag off because you’ve lost my trust. Stop struggling against the ropes goddammit! Do you know how many times I’ve tied someone up? You know, I’m not really sure either, but it was at least five. Oh wait. There was that one here last week–

Nevermind. That’s not important. Trust me, when I tell you, you’re not going anywhere. Besides if you just settle down and wait, you won’t even want to. Mark my words. Someone that looks like you, I was surprised you’d even given me the time of day because I’m such a fucking fat piece of shit, but then a phone notification later and here you are. On a Tuesday night. We’re disgusting, the both of us really but I’m glad you came here…you know, you won’t be disappointed you’ll see.

After this, I’m going to be sooooo fucking hot.


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