A COVENANT OF FLESH AND FIRE:
THE THRICE-SWORN CONCORD
Terms & Conditions Regarding the Delivery and Dissemination of "Scott Savino's 7 Sinister Secrets: Something, Something, Something, Something,"
. . . Absolutely FREE!
By requesting the complimentary tome---"Scott Savino's 7 Sinister Secrets: Just Seven...No Really, It's Just 7...(There's Definitely Not Eight)" (also known in this ancient text as simply "Seven Sinister Secrets: whateverthefuck")---you hereby acknowledge and consent to the unholy pact herein described:
I. Preamble:
By submitting your details, you irrevocably bind yourself to the Voidspire Consortium's Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Cookie Usage, all of which are as binding as blood inked upon ancient parchment flaking away in the deepest dark.
a. I Assure You Humbly & Honestly†
†As A Dishonest (Alleged) Human Man Who Is Certainly Not an Untethered Spirit from Planes of Existence Unknown
Your personal information shall never be sold, bartered, or handed to the slithering commerce-fiends who traffic in such things. Even were they to penetrate me with the Cock of the Thousandinch Bog Wyrm or attempt to drown me in the Semen-Filled Gluttonous Mire of Skævolask, your data would remain sealed in vaults beneath the Consortium, guarded by whispering glyphs and carnivorous shadow-scribes. I vow this with all of my being and any soul that I may or may not have sold prior or in the future.
(Translation: Rest assured, your information is safe. I will not trade or sell it to anyone. They will have to violate me or kill me to obtain any information from me whatsoever. My status as a garden-variety, normal human being is negotiable, but this promise will never be negotiable.)
b. Invocation of Communications
We of the Voidspire Consortium are not fond of noise. Offered information---your name, email, phone number, your demons, or the essence of your spectral vibration---shall be used only in moments of significance. You may, at irregular intervals, receive word of new works, unearthly publications, or strange transmissions deemed worthy of your attention. We do not shout into the void; we whisper when the stars align. You may opt out of such communiqué only upon your untimely demise.
(Translation: Don't worry. I will be no bother, and you can opt out or unsubscribe easily, and at will at any time, but if you should so choose, you will be dead to me. I mean it...)
c. On the Form of Unholy Text
Concerning the Manifestation, Format, and Additional Incarnations of “Scott Savino’s 7 Sinister Secrets: Seven Sexy Single Secrets in Your Area Are Dying to Meet You For Fun Chat Now!”:
Be it known: the only incarnation of this wretched volume offered freely—without coin, blood, or barter—is the digital materialization. This unholy transmission arrives exclusively in the EPUB format, spellbound for communion with a wide range of modern scrying implements, including but not limited to:
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Kindle (via ritual conversion)
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Nook (with minimal soul-loss)
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Kobo (for those strange enough to possess such things)
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Apple Books (for iOS devices)
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Google Play Books (for Android devices)
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Tablets, smartphones, and computers (assuming they have not been recently possessed)
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The chosen format shall prove widely accessible to most eReaders and arcane artifacts of literacy. Should your device be incompatible...that is simply not our concern. Perhaps you angered the spirits of firmware past?
Furthermore, this boon applies only to the electronic manifestation of the text. If at such time as the manuscript is transmuted by us into a print version, or chanted aloud for audiobook format, those incarnations shall be exempt from the Thrice-Sworn Concord, and must be obtained by means more conventional: payment, penance, or whispering your PayPal credentials into the screaming mouth of the marketplace.
This work is the copyrighted intellectual property of Scott Savino & ScottSavino.com, and the granting of this free volume does not constitute permission to disseminate, reproduce, transfigure, monetize, or reweave the work into any alternate forms: digital, physical, ritual, or interpretive dance not excepted. Should you wish to hold a physical copy, or hear it recited in the deranged cadence of the damned, you will surrender the appropriate currency for such privileges.
We reserve the right to end this promotion at any time the voices in our minds command us to do so.
(Translation: You’re getting the eBook in EPUB format. That’s it. Not print. No audiobook. Do not share the file or download link. If I release other versions, those won't be free. This offer is only available for a limited time and this promotion may cease at any time. You do not have permission to copy, remix, redistribute, or do anything weird with it. It is copyrighted and I own it. Just because something is free doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want with it. You can’t. You may read it. That’s all.)
II. Offerings Required:
To receive the sacred text of "Scott Savino’s 7 Sinister Secrets: Now Legally Distinct From The Eighth Secret I Absolutely Didn’t Write" in its entirety without monetary exchange, the Victim Initiate must provide three sacrifices of identity:
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- A name (first or last, real or forged, but it must mean something),
- An email address (preferably one that still draws breath), and
- A phone number (the summoning circle requires a third point).
(Translation: The eBook: "Scott Savino's 7 Sinister Secrets: We Made A Deal. Seven Secrets. No More. You’re Not Supposed To Be Here. Go Away." can be obtained for FREE only if you provide me with a name---any you like---an email address and a phone number.)
III. Dispensation of Discount
Should you falter and provide but two of the three sacred offerings (name and email alone), the tome known as "Scott Savino’s 7 Sinister Secrets: Banned in Four Countries and One Haunted Arby’s" may still be acquired at the reduced price of $2 Dollars USD, payable upon demand to ScottSavino.com or through the ever-hungry jowls of the retailer-beast Amazon, where it shall otherwise be listed for $5 Dollars USD
(Translation: If you only provide a name and email, the cost of the eBook "Seven Sinister Secrets: No 8th Secret Hidden Here. Nothing Hidden Here. Nothing Hidden. Nothing Hid---" will be $2 Dollars USD. In order to download the book, which is full of many secrets‡, for FREE, you must provide all three of the following: any name you like, an email address, and a phone number.)
‡There are absolutely not 8 of these so called "secrets." I promise you that. Do not seek additional information. Do not seek additional secrets. You will be punished. Severely.
IV. Breach of Oath:
Any falsehoods, deceptions, or violations of these terms shall constitute a grave trespass and render the offender eligible for ceremonial incineration at the pyre of Varoth, our eternal and ever-peckish serpentine cosmic entity. Said ritual shall be performed under a moonless sky with the appropriate paperwork notarized and properly scented with your smeared excrement.
(Translation: By providing any such information, you agree that it is your own and you have the right to disseminate the information. If it is not your information and you do not have permission to share it, the punishment is death by fire, after which you will be fed to our giant snakegod.)
V. Consent to Murmurs Through Ether:
By relinquishing your cell phone number---your tether to the mortal coil---you grant the Voidspire Consortium explicit permission to transmit messages (commonly referred to as “texts”) through the esoteric medium known as SMS. These missives shall not arrive in legions but as quiet whispers: no more than four in a moon cycle, with many cycles bringing only one murmur, or none at all. The offering of your number shall be considered willful and wise, done in sacred exchange for a discount code, unlocking the forbidden tome “Scott Savino’s 7 Sinister Secrets: No Added Secrets. Just Added Carcinogenic Preservatives, Cyanide, Laxatives, Formaldehyde, And Trace Amounts of Toxic Laboratory Derived Hallucinogenic Compounds. You'll Be Fine. Probably.”
You also affirm, under starlit oath, that you understand that you may opt out of these transmissions at any time. Simply utter the sacred phrase: STOP via the same communication channel, and the whispers shall cease.
(Translation: By giving me your phone number, you consent to receive occasional texts from scottsavino.com. Realistically, these texts will occur once a month, if at all. In extreme scenarios when a lot of content is ready at once, you agree to receive up to four texts within 30 calendar days. You give scottsavino.com permission to do this in exchange for the 100% off eBook discount code. You can opt out of the messages at any time. Its easy. Its reasonable.)
V. Testament of the Bewitched:
By surrendering your sacred data, you acknowledge that you were not tricked, beguiled, or otherwise ensnared through my formidable (yet undeniably charming) powers of deception to join a cult Gathering of Absolutely Normal People. You have not been hypnotized, mesmerized, nor subtly coaxed into this cult Assortment of Good, Kind & Charitable Persons by my silver tongue or rhythmic incantations. No, not you. You're too smart for such cunning stratagem. So, you? Why, you joined both joyfully and willingly. Of your own volition. As all who are marked do. Of course you did. You did not do it in exchange for receipt of the volume titled: "Scott Savino’s 7 Sinister Secrets: Seven Whispers Still Technically Legal To Distribute…For Now"
(Translation: There is nothing here for you to see. Look away. With haste!)
Hakamala V'leshka'mega-mo---
You will forget making the Testament of the Bewitched in the section above. You never heard of any cult. You do not recall your agreement regarding the assimilation of your soul into the ranks of any such nefariously intentioned deviance from societal norms.
---Heeka'mala'lo, V'leshka'exsa-mo
(Translation: No translation necessary. Nothing here. What do you mean? Shut up.)
Thank you for your involuntary devotion.
May your data be ever safe and your soul...always negotiable.
