Targeted advertising is getting so out of control as of late. With technology growing at leaps and bounds, you could talk about something as specific as “pointy elf shoes,” your phone will hear you, and Facebook will send up an Amazon advert for genuine elf shoes from Norway while you’re scrolling the next day.
Reddit has gotten just as bad lately. An ad came up at the top of this subreddit, and before I knew what I was doing, I had already clicked the little blue megaphone. I normally wouldn’t do something like that. Who does? What kind of unhinged monster, clicks on the “promoted post” ads at the top of the subs? I can understand doing it by mistake, but ON PURPOSE? And this ad especially…
I clicked on it. I read through it. It was so compelling I was afraid I might lose track of it–I imagine that’s probably a thing that happens pretty common–so did a “select all” and copied it so I could remember to look into it later.
Are You Looking For A New Opportunity?
[ Promoted By CumulaCeutic LLC which is DEFINITELY a legitimate business Venture ]
Do you feel stuck in your career? Has the work-a-day rat-race left you in last place? Burning the candle at both ends? Well, don’t get “burnt out!” Take that candle and light a fire in your ass because it’s time to get moving and make a change in your life for the better!1
My name is Dr M. Francis Martins2 and I want to change YOUR life. You! Yes, you. Specifically! This message is being sent through psychic channels using sophisticated technology developed by our company. You have been chosen to receive this message based on your specific brain chemistry which has been identified by our software as a match for members of our target audience.
In fact, this message and any comments below cannot be read by those individuals who do not meet our exclusive criteria for candidacy! Those people qualify as unqualified candidates and are thus excluded, so you’re in luck! Not only are you already approved for employment at some capacity in one of our various departments, you may feel free to share negative vitriol regarding your current employer below with the other readers and do so with complete impunity.3
CumulaCeutic LLC is currently seeking qualified individuals such as yourself to take part in a variety of internships with alternative pay structures.4 We are a legitimate medical testing facility. I will repeat that. WE ARE A LEGITIMATE MEDICAL TESTING FACILITY.5
Despite what you may have heard:
It has come to our attention that our competitors and the opposition are claiming that our work is unlawful and immoral, yet we assure you, ONCE AGAIN, that this is a legitimate opportunity. Listen, we know you hate your job and we are offering you gainful employment, so stop thinking so many contrarian questions and opinions about this legitimate job posting because we can hear all of your thoughts. We don’t necessarily think that these questions you have are stupid, but they’re certainly coming from a very misinformed place. CC LLC has an A+ Employer Rating from the Better Business Bureau.6
CumulaCeutic LLC is currently conducting various research and development in a variety of actual scientific fields. Including but not limited to:
- Psychic Advertising
- Psychic Control
- Brain Matter Research (Namely: Transplantation, Duplication, Transposition and Digital Replication)
- Corpse Reanimation
- Zombification
- Immortality
- Unholy Possession
- Three Headed Dog Beasts
- Demonic Blood Ritual
- Pharmaceutical Ouija
- Arsenic Toothpaste Development
We are looking for victims candidates who can expect to live long and fulfilling lives graced with an everlastingly untapped fount of potential for growth7 as new positions open on a near daily and consistent basis.
We heard that and no, not because somebody died.8
All test subjects employees of CumulaCeutic LLC, regardless of pay tier, shall also recieve health insurance and life benefits9 as well as a 50% discount in the corporate cafeteria and on-campus gift shop.10
Qualified individuals must be willing to comply with all criteria, as well as and not limited to future criteria not yet stated, developed, or conceived. Failure to do so will result in immediate disqualification of qualified individuals on the grounds of noncompliance with company regulations.
ENTRY LEVEL POSITION REQUIREMENTS
- Minimum Bachelor Degree and 2 years experience in related field.
- Fear of spiders (required)
- Prior experience with hallucinogens is preferable but not required as we are capable of providing you with such experience on campus.
- Experience with full body dismemberment
- Experience with skeletal sterilization and articulation
- Mystical knowledge passed down from ancestry (not required but preferred)
- Born with genitalia in an anatomically incorrect position (not required but preferred for sake of interesting conversation)
- Minimum of 18 months during adolescence spent wearing corrective dental apparatuses, such as braces or headgear (not required but preferred)
- Hatred for all humanity (required)
- Capacity to remain calm in close proximity to large quantities of both freshly harvested blood and rancid blood (required)
If you’re interested in submitting an application, the process is easy!11 A simple pentagram drawn in the blood of an infant followed by the Ritual Invocation of Merihem will get you in touch with one of our representatives. The application is entirely confidential12 and you most assuredly will not die instantaneously.13
So what are you waiting for? The time for devoting your life to Satan, our dark underlord and master a new career and a new start, starts today!
1. This statement has not been evaluated for validity by a qualified independent third-party. Individual experiences related to involvment in any of our programs may vary and a percentage of some individuals reported experiences in direct opposition to this statement. You should assure yourself that this is probably rare and that the percentage of negative experiences might be rather low. This is most certainly not the case, but by continuing to read this ad, you submit legally binding conformation that you agree to hold harmless CumulaCeutic LLC and all related entities. Also you agree that you believe otherwise, and stuff.
2. This person is not actually a doctor and his name is likely a pseudonym being used to conceal a dark past.
3. This technology **DOES, IN FACT, ACTUALLY EXIST** but you probably should refrain from following that instruction because the likelihood that your boss is also among those in the target audience selected by our psychic software is actually quite high.
4. Pay structures range from unpaid internships to as high as a daily rationed handful of mysterious nondescript pills, they will be consumed in their entirety upon daily distribution, signed off by a supervisor and an additional witness.
5. Lies.
6. More Lies.
7. Father of Lies. (is our CEO.)
8. Most have technically since been reanimated.
9. You won’t.
10. Restricted to Research Campuses in the assention levels of various alternate realities and dimensions and null and void at any location on this plane of existence.
11. The process is actually, very, very difficult and dangerous you will very likely die.
12. The powers of evil supersede the confidentiality clause in certain instances. We will be informing the Lord God and his Son Jesus Christ, along with your mother, of your intent to join the rank and file of Legion. This will likely break your mother’s heart and cause her to uncontrollably weep for eternity. We do hope that these tears are not of blood, but this has happened in certain instances.
13. By submitting application, you submit that should any Rites of the Invocation of Merihem be performed incorrectly, you agree that you will in fact die and release CumulaCeutic LLC, its parent company Demonic Entity Affiliates, INC and all related subsidiaries of any and all liability for you death in perpetuity. This includes instances where the summoner has performed the ritual while not in either the proper traditional nudity or traditional red summoning cloak and also instances wherin Merihem arbitrarily decides to evicerate the skin from your face and consume your soul through your mouth. Instances of this mostly occur when the individuals performing the ritual are wearing a summoning cloak of the color blue–which he hates–just as a heads up.
Has anyone else ever seen anything like this? Did this ad target you as well? I thought it was oddly timely because I was just thinking about how much I really did need to start seeing what else was out there. I mean, it does say that if I’m seeing it, I’ve already passed some kind of pre-screen and will be placed to do something at their facility…what have I got to lose?
Now…where to find an infant?