Everyone told me: Don’t meet dates online. I’d probably fucked every eligible man on this coast before finally settling down. Before I met my man, sex was boring as shit. I’m faithfully devoted now. We don’t keep secrets. My husband knows my past–so ‘come for me,’ haters!
I tried every app and every dating site. Match.com. Tinder. Scruff. Grindr. Christian Mingle…
My friend Richie, my biggest critic, frequently accused me of “fucking every guy with WiFi and a heartbeat.” While he wasn’t wrong, never forget that your friends are the quickest to judge your online goings-on.
If you’re American, you might think I’m gloating. Sorry: The personals section where we met was pulled down seven long years ago. Now if you wind up ‘forever alone,’ you can thank your congressmen.
I’m kidding. Someone will find you attractive. Probably.
He’s incredible, supportive–everything he said he was–which I really didn’t expect to continue after our initial encounter. You don’t meet many genuine charmers looking for ‘a stable relationship’ who actually mean that. Low and behold, he cooks and cleans me, rubs my back, and scratches itches I can’t seem to scratch.
Believe it or not, our little family began when, by chance, I found his ad in a rather hopeless place: Craigslist Personals; the internet’s seediest den of immorality. Remember that place? It lives on immortally in my memory. If you want worse, you’ll need to download a Tor browser, probably.
I mentioned the sex I’d had (prior to falling madly in love) was unexciting. At the time Craigslist was where you’d find all the fun weirdos: Foot fetish, S&M, BDSM, piss-play, puppy-life furries, anonymous glory-holers, even an adult baby–(who wants you to come through and spank him)–Ha!–A regular circus of freaks. I don’t judge people. When I said ALL THE FUN WEIRDOS that’s what I meant. Being open to the things many excitements that entices other’s vices and new experiences is crucial if you want to enjoy life’s many spices.
We didn’t go to bed on the first date, second, or third–opting to work up to it. For two years he courted me and finally, when we knew each other genuinely and comfortably, we planned a night to remember: A fairytale. Beginning, with dinner in a lavish, waterfront, restaurant…We engorged on a smorgasbord and two bottles of Duckhorn, Bordeaux. Followed by the moon-bathed coast, entwined on a starlit stroll. Hesitantly he whispered three words for the first time. We kissed. Passion burst from my chest, I felt a swooning so divine as we ventured to a more appropriate venue to undress and drink a third bottle of wine.
A sterile room, stainless steel–exactly as promised–not the dungeonous torture place I’d imagined prior to hearing of his unique tastes. Injecting a strong general anesthetic into my hand, he meticulously sliced it off as we made love. It wasn’t the first time, but it feels that way in my mind. Every move, sensual–pain, minimal. Waist: determinedly plunging. Hands: with deft and gentle precision, nimbly struck confident incisions, flaying the skin and muscle away. A talented surgeon? Nay!
The following evening, his expansive house permeated with the smells of fingertips, exotically spiced and seared to perfection. Together we indulged in a meal and lovemaking to top the night before, or any since. I was met with a bit of difficulty, forgetting to mention in our previous night’s passions my left-handedness–but I my defense, I made due just fine with my right.
Wonder what the meat is like? Chicken.
Duh.
Flash forward to today: he has not once complained about waiting on me hand and foot–(This was many years ago and I’m of course completely limbless now, you know.)–we’re even adopting this month.
Technology’s amazing; you say it–the computer writes it. Really can’t get over how speech-to-text has improved over the years. What will they come up with next?
Whoever thought I’d meet the love of my life eating people online?—No! Goddammit, I said ‘meeting!’ Whatever. That’s kind of funny. I’ll leave it.
SEEKING VORAREPHILE
Posted: 7yrs ago
Me: Disease/drug free, dominant male, hung, stable job (medical-field), seeking like-minded fetishist for long-term relationship.
You: Disease/drug free (required!). Desires to be waited on/cared for by me. Desires to press past boundaries of conventional taboos. Desires to be consumed, in the future and forevermore after.
You are reading correctly. I am not seeking someone for a role-play scenario. We’d date first; to be sure the relationship works. A year or two is what I have in mind. I’ve never done anything like this before and I want to do it right the first and only time! This would be a life-long commitment for us both. I am looking for another consenting adult who is open minded; interested in helping me explore my cannibalism fantasy. This will be done in a candle-lit, sterile environment. Your safety and well being is 100% assured.
Serious inquiries only.
• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
this was so romantic it brought tears to my eyes and i cried and cried until my eyes fell out and then i was blind did you know that your tearducts still work and you’re able to cry even when you leave your eyes behind? so i very well just might find i might cry more should i really, really give it a try